Hello once again.
So here I am, ranting again but I don't want to be an average teenager ranting about life like there's nothing better to do. So! I am going to share something with all of you, and I hope that is not too boring for all of you.
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."   
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Ya Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
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2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
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A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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The young man was quite adamant. He insisted to the surgeon that he wanted to be castrated. The surgeon pointed out that this was a drastic step for a young man to take and strongly urged him to reconsider his request.
“No,” said the young man, “I have thought long and hard about it, I have read all there is about it and my mind is made up. I must have the operation.”
The operation was duly carried out and when he had recovered from the anaesthetic and was back in the ward he got to talking to the other patients.
“And what are you in here for?” he asked th fellow in the next bed.
“To be circumcised.”
“DAMN, THAT was the word I meant !”
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A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.
“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.
“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”
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A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin
was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
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Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?”
She said that it didn’t.
The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified. She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?”
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